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Ash
23 October 2009 @ 10:15 am
Haha  
So he just sent me a text from work that says "I love you!"

Damnit, sometimes I really like being in love.
 
 
 
Ash
23 October 2009 @ 09:55 am
Hey everyone, it has been a while.

Brendan is growing like a weed. Of course, he's two now. Which is just crazy. And I'm going to have a job making 12 dollars per hour in a customer service position at Medco. This place has awesome benefits, including 75% tuition reimbursement. I'm in school full time, and since my loans were made of suck and never came (I'm picking them up from the office soon), I don't even have books. However, on my first Educational Psychology test I managed to pull a B anyway. Can you say awesome?

Things have changed so much. I have a new place to live, probably a new career path, and entirely new group of friends. I haven't talked to anyone from high school for a really long time, and I'm about ready to give up. I'm sick of always being the one that cares, when no one else does. It doesn't even really seem like a big deal to me like it used to, which is strange.

My AMC friends... well, I wasn't that close to most of them. They like drinking and the college life, and mostly aren't creative, smart, or interesting in any other way. So, I have dropped most of them with Meghan, for both our sakes. Although, I am going to hang out with Cruz tonight - he's been my friend through a lot, and he's one of the few men I've ever met that isn't just an ass in disguise, and genuinely doesn't want my vagina.

Me and Jimi are doing good, I think. I love him, he loves me. We are great together, we balance one another, and we don't get sick of one another. Life is great with Jimi. But he's 20, and he doesn't want kids. The fact that Brendan is here and will always be here is hard for him, I think. I mean, I thought, anyways. But last night we had this shitty conversation, and he told me that even if I did really really want a family, he'd talk about it with me, and maybe start a family with me. But he doesn't feel like Brendan will ever be his family, he'll never love Brendan, and if he starts a family with me, he doesn't want "someone else's kid" anywhere nearby.

Sigh.

I think he needs to grow up and realize that if I have to choose, I'm going to pick Brendan. And that its not worth it to make me choose.

I was trying to get an answer out of him last night - is me having Brendan too much? Or am I worth it? The closest thing I got to an answer was that he loves me enough to at least be willing to try and make it work long-term, or he wouldn't be here.

I just don't know what to do. If he was cold or mean to Brendan at all, I'd just leave. But he isn't. They actually outright have a blast together - seriously. I don't even understand what the problem is. I don't want to force him to give me an answer right now, but I don't want to be in a relationship for 5 years and THEN realize he never wants anything more than a girlfriend. No family, no living together, no settling down in any way shape or form.

I'm really scared, and I really don't know what to do. The worst thing is that there is so little that I can do. The one thing he seems to want is the one thing I can't give.

Life is unfair sometimes.
 
 
 
Ash
10 September 2009 @ 08:19 pm
I'm moving into my own apartment tomorrow. It is a nice, clean, carpeted one-bedroom townhouse. It has one and a half baths (the upstairs one has two sinks for some reason, which I find amusing), and a bunch of absurdly huge closets. It even has a built in table nook between the kitchen and living/dining room.

I'm thinking that the upstairs room will be mostly Brendan's, at least until/if I get my own bed. Until then I can just sleep on the couch, especially if I can find a fold-out one. I'm so excited! It has ac, adorable large windows, a little fenced-in yard/patio thing, a dishwasher... what more could I ask for! The rent is only 448 per month. I can barely swing that, but hey, it will be worth it, and I'll eventually find a better job and it will be downright easy to do it.

I'm so happy. I'm soooo happy and excited!

I got someone else who wants to move into the place with Meghan really soon, so that is cool. I'm going to get everything out that I can tomorrow, and I guess I should eventually tell the landlady that someone else will be paying her money for rent from now on. Yay!

School starts soon, too. Educational Psychology, Philosophy (intro to logic again, sigh), and Writing Fiction. I'm excited. I'm just excited. Yay!
 
 
 
Ash
I'm happy again! I got my meds, went to my counselor, etc. And even though I lost my healthcare, I'm still good because my meds are actually cheaper without it. Somehow. Magically. By half. I was super excited about this.

Brendan is adorable and sleeping at the moment. I prettymuch live at Jimi's house. He can handle me whether I'm crazy or not, my mom loves him, and he is actually open to trying new stuff and being exciting. He's unfailingly honest, and seriously the only real flaw I've found is that he occasionally misunderstands me.

Shut up, I like being retardedly happy and lovey for no reason.

He even printed off a pdf of a book I want but can't buy for gaming, and went to Kinko's and got it spiral bound for me. <3 Some of the pages are backwards for whatever reason, but this only makes it more charming. So, err, he and I are going to fly out to Arizona to meet his mommy and whoever else he knows still lives there. That is happening on the 25th of August, for a few days. I'm a bit sad because we won't be taking Brendan, but he'll be fine of course and I doubt he would have fun in AZ anyways. It will be like a real vacation for me! Wow!

Also, he can cook. And sew. And knit. And clean. And he bought three boxes of bandaids for me yesterday. Because I am always bleeding for some reason or another. I feel like today I suddenly noticed what an excellent person I managed to snag. A multi-talented interesting, non-pretentious, sweet, cute, funny, smart nerd - who can also actually deal with social situations and a wide variety of types of people.

Ok. Hopefully that's the only one of these terrible posts you'll have to deal with. I'm so sorry. I'm just very happy, and I don't especially give a fuck if people think I'm retarded for showing it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, happiness is something that most people take for granted.
 
 
 
Ash
15 July 2009 @ 02:46 pm
What vacations would you most like to take in the next five years?


China - especially since Jim wants to go and is willing to pay.

Scotland/Ireland/England - ...obvious

France/Italy/Spain - So I can speak french at them

Alaska - Because that would be sweet.

Australia - Yeah. Kangaroos.
 
 
 
Ash
14 July 2009 @ 08:25 am
Err?  
So I had a dream last night that... hmm... was really strange. So, I think I must have still been in high school, because I remember Sanders and Khristine being there, as well as I think some other people. For some reason we were all at this one house, and Mr. Spaite and Snyder were there. We were going to some big event, I think it was a Steelers game... although that doesn't make sense for many reasons. It seemed more like a fair. But it was a game. Anyhow, so we all slept at this house and in the morning the teachers or whatever were like "COME OUTSIDE TO THIS BARN." and so we did. And there were lots of horses. So we each like... grabbed a horse. And some people obviously had to learn how to ride, or something. But I remember having a very hard time finding a normal looking saddle. Even so, I was all miffed because it was western, and I ride english.

So we all rode horses to this thing. For school. Or something. And we all like... parked our horses in this special place, and then went up these shitty rafters, which wobbled as we walked up them. (This is why I remember Sanders being there, she was hanging on for dear life and getting angry when someone started making them wobble on purpose.) Then we sat down, and although it had previously been summer, we now had a number of blankets. I don't know.
 
 
 
Ash
31 May 2009 @ 04:40 pm
Oh my god Elijah Wood is on Yo Gabba Gabba.
 
 
 
Ash
Littering, long showers, not recycling... What's your biggest pet peeve about the way some people (mis)treat our planet?


The strange thing is, I don't recycle. I drink out of disposable water bottles. I use paper towels instead of regular towels. I use paper plates sometimes. But one thing that always bothers me is when people waste paper. When it is all fresh and clean and they fold it up, or write one line on it and crumple it, or print something on one side and then realize they don't need the thing they just printed so they throw it away... all of this bothers me. Because... I'm really strange.
 
 
 
Ash
27 April 2009 @ 03:32 pm
I have not forgotten them. I will do them! I promise!

You have to understand that 1. My computer is old, and pretends that the printer is new software and slowly connects to it every time. 2. I have to hook my camera up to my printer, and then hook that up to the computer to upload pictures. 3. I HAVE NO TIME! I have so much studying to do. And the printer is upstairs, and to carry everything else involved up there takes up all my hands, and Brendan will try to follow me up the stairs aaaaaa!

Sorry for excuses. I'll do it! I will!
 
 
 
Ash
23 April 2009 @ 09:51 am
Someone, not naming any names, cornered me into not being able to post again until I upload some pictures of adorable-ness. Expect them later today or sometime tomorrow. XD