Hey everyone, it has been a while.
Brendan is growing like a weed. Of course, he's two now. Which is just crazy. And I'm going to have a job making 12 dollars per hour in a customer service position at Medco. This place has awesome benefits, including 75% tuition reimbursement. I'm in school full time, and since my loans were made of suck and never came (I'm picking them up from the office soon), I don't even have books. However, on my first Educational Psychology test I managed to pull a B anyway. Can you say awesome?
Things have changed so much. I have a new place to live, probably a new career path, and entirely new group of friends. I haven't talked to anyone from high school for a really long time, and I'm about ready to give up. I'm sick of always being the one that cares, when no one else does. It doesn't even really seem like a big deal to me like it used to, which is strange.
My AMC friends... well, I wasn't that close to most of them. They like drinking and the college life, and mostly aren't creative, smart, or interesting in any other way. So, I have dropped most of them with Meghan, for both our sakes. Although, I am going to hang out with Cruz tonight - he's been my friend through a lot, and he's one of the few men I've ever met that isn't just an ass in disguise, and genuinely doesn't want my vagina.
Me and Jimi are doing good, I think. I love him, he loves me. We are great together, we balance one another, and we don't get sick of one another. Life is great with Jimi. But he's 20, and he doesn't want kids. The fact that Brendan is here and will always be here is hard for him, I think. I mean, I thought, anyways. But last night we had this shitty conversation, and he told me that even if I did really really want a family, he'd talk about it with me, and maybe start a family with me. But he doesn't feel like Brendan will ever be his family, he'll never love Brendan, and if he starts a family with me, he doesn't want "someone else's kid" anywhere nearby.
I think he needs to grow up and realize that if I have to choose, I'm going to pick Brendan. And that its not worth it to make me choose.
I was trying to get an answer out of him last night - is me having Brendan too much? Or am I worth it? The closest thing I got to an answer was that he loves me enough to at least be willing to try and make it work long-term, or he wouldn't be here.
I just don't know what to do. If he was cold or mean to Brendan at all, I'd just leave. But he isn't. They actually outright have a blast together - seriously. I don't even understand what the problem is. I don't want to force him to give me an answer right now, but I don't want to be in a relationship for 5 years and THEN realize he never wants anything more than a girlfriend. No family, no living together, no settling down in any way shape or form.
I'm really scared, and I really don't know what to do. The worst thing is that there is so little that I can do. The one thing he seems to want is the one thing I can't give.
Life is unfair sometimes.